Fasabrun Jamil
“You feel fine, and then, when your body can't keep fighting, you don't.”
I am honestly tired. There are so many things that I have to face that makes me wonder for how long I can stand this.

The solution for this and that question.

The option to buy this or that.

The decision to book this or that.

And what I need from people is to wait. Just wait.

When I said please wait, I really mean it.

Wait, I’ll buy this later. It means that I don’t have money to buy it now or I don’t have time to buy it yet.

Wait, I’ll go there later. It means I am really busy coping with something else that I cannot make time to go there.

Wait, I’ll solve it later. It is because I need to gather information from another party too.

Is that too difficult to understand?

Sometimes I think I don’t have time for myself. I hardly get enough sleep because I keep awake and continue thinking about this and that thingy. I mean, I don’t know. I did share it with people. I’m telling them about what I’m thinking but somehow it feels like I’m not sharing anything. I don’t know whether they listen to me or not.

Is this the price of being independent? People will find you strong enough to live on your own and expect you to do everything on your own too. It’s not a burden I know that. But I’m just tired.

I keep cherishing my life everyday like, okay Ain, today let’s do this and be positive and blablabla. Well, it’s easier said than done. Because in the end, I’ll end up like the same day. Pathetic isn’t it?

But I’m not going to sighing. I am grateful enough with what Allah grants me with, Alhamdulillah. I won’t asked for more, I will only asked for a better me.

I have been taught not to sigh in whatever condition I am in. Either ups and downs, both are good for me because as a muslim, if something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him. No sighing and no ‘why me’ 😊.


So yeah. No matter how many times I said I’m tired, it is still me who have to go through everything right? I guess no point to make people understand too. Because we are living in our own world and have our own things to do as well. That’s okay. That’s fine.   
You never know how hard it is to remember things and act like you forgot everything
So, here I am. Lost in the crowd, alone.

Life can be so sad sometimes. Without someone who used to accompany you everywhere you go.

I don’t know how I am going to cope with it tonight. I didn’t bring book either. So I just sitting here and observing people.

Here and there. I saw memories. Those precious moments that cannot appear again. And what I did was, inhale and exhale. Trying to stay strong as usual.

But I can feel it’s hurt inside. My heart hurts. No I didn’t cry. I was trying to keep calm. So, this is how it feels. The struggle is real.



“For the yesterdays and todays, and the tomorrows I can hardly wait for - Thank you.”


“It's never too late to have a happy childhood.”
So, how to know if a girl is sulking?

First, she will holds thing nearby her tightly. Like seriously, tightly.


Second, she will ignore you no matter how many times you called her and stay quite.


Third, she won’t move even an inch knowing that no one comes and pampering her.


And fourth, she will wait till that person who scold her comes and said, “Ololo adik omey omey ni.” (repeat that sentence for few times) 😂.


Then, that’s settle everything.

Well, that’s the beauty of being a girl. Sulking looks cute no matter in what age you are (probably). 😁
Take Care
So today is the day. How do I feel? I don’t know. I am not sure how to interpret it. It was like, undefined, perhaps?

I had enough happiness for these past 2 days so I won’t expect for more. Life is always like this so no worries. Things will become as it used to be soon (but I don’t know how soon is soon). So I’ll just follow the flow.

Sad? Of course. My friends said I might be sensitive for the whole week but come on, I am not showing that to them lah. I’m too good in being okay.

But.

I admit, it is hard to act okay as usual because everything reminds me about what we used to do. The LRT station, the KLCC, the Kino, the dal.komm, the waiting area and many more. But being sad and subdued are not in my dictionary so yeah, let’s appreciate all of those little things.

Sometimes when I woke up from sleep, I thought it was a just a dream. I thought everything will stay the same. But day after day passed by, I realize, it wasn’t a dream anymore. The thing that I fear the most happens today.

I think we just had our breakfast yesterday, and went for lunch together too. But now it seems, I have to get used for not having them as my routine 😊.

Please take care.
I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go,
When all those shadows almost killed your light,
I remember you said don't leave me here alone,
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight.
We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere
“No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.” 
― 
Haruki Murakami
...

A little throwback won’t hurt, right?
.
(No, it’s hurt T_T)

I won’t write in a long sentences. I will just write a moment of each things, in a very short detail.
Garrett, TBS. The very first gift.

M&S, TBS.
I always bought something whenever I went to TBS. But now, I don’t think I will buy anything. It will be only me by the way

The scrapbook, May 2017.
I remember those hectic moments. My friend and I went to AK after lunch just to find the scrapbook in Daiso. But there was only one scrapbook left and it also seen by another girl. But then, since my friend was so proactive, she just grabbed it and straightaway went to the counter. And I just followed her from behind 😁.

After that, we made our way to the photo shop nearby to print those pictures that I already edited. She was there with me even she's got meeting at 2.30 and it’s already 2.15 p.m that time. But she said, “It’s okay. The gift is for my twin as well.”

And I was just smiling. Thank you ❤.

Sheaffer, May 2017.
So after working hours, I made my way to the shop and took the pen that I already ordered. I wanted to engrave a name on that, but the person in charge will only available the day after tomorrow. And of course, I can’t wait for that long. But I did write a wish.

A box of love; a collection of sentimental value thingy.
.

Letters.

A card from Happy Bunch.

A card from Macaroon.

The sweet little things that we put on the cupcakes.

The goodies bag.
...
It’s not going to be long, I understand. But shouldn’t I grieve a little bit since I also have a feeling that we called ‘sad’? I will remember all of those beautiful moments, the laughter, the happiness, the ups and downs and the day after Tuesday 😉.

I’m going to be okay. I know it for sure. But being fake is easy. To be honest, it’s hurt.

...
Because maybe, in a way, we didn't leave it behind nearly as much as we might once have thought. Because somewhere underneath, a part of us stayed like that: fearful of the world around us, and no matter how much we despised ourselves for it--unable quite to let each other go.

― Kazuo Ishiguro
What's meant to be will always find a way
I just re-read his book today and I find this quite related with me so I just put here. Getting his books was one of the happiest moments in my life. There are a lot more actually but I'll just write it little by little.

Your smile and your tears are both valuable for me, just to let you know 😉

K, I don't know how to write those sweet words but well, I'm actually good in reciting poems. Juara darjah 3 ok. *flip shawl* I can recite the same like Dian Sastrowardoyo did. *flip shawl again*.
So yup, it's going tougher than before but I believe we can face this together.

Together or apart,
No matter how far apart,
We live in one another,
We go on together. -

...
“You love me. Real or not real?"
I tell him, "Real.” 
― Suzanne CollinsMockingjay

Distracted from distraction by distraction - T.S Eliot
So, the thing that I hate the most is when you are talking to people and they are so busy with their phone and they will be like, ‘Ha? Ha? What?’ when you asked them something. Or the worst part is, they didn’t listen to you at all.

I hate repeating the same question twice.

Come on la. If you are so busy with your ‘so-called-important-whatsoever-thingy’, then it’s better if you just focus on it. Don’t try to start a conversation or what because it’s ANNOYING. I mean, it is totally annoying for me. If you are so busy with your phone, replying message with all your friends there, then just say that you are busy, please wait a while. I can accept that instead of asking to repeat a question over and over again.

Manners dude, manners.

Same goes when you are going out and have a gathering. I don’t understand the purpose of having a gathering session if everyone was so busy with their phones. You can just upload the photos once you reach home by the way. You don’t have to waste other people time if you want to be with your phone. I can stay at home and read some books if it’s that case. At least, that much better.

I have been educated to not look at the phone during family time. I also found it inappropriate and rude, especially at the dining table. It’s the time where you are together with your family so go on, share your days with them, tell them story that they didn’t know or randomly talk about anything.
My uncle was so anti with this kind of attitude and I understand why. He don’t even bother if people keep calling or messaging him. When you are with family, spend your time wisely.

Yeah, I might not be a part of everyone’s family, but I just hate to be a part of those phone-addicted people. So sick.

Just feels like talking to the wall. Imagine if you have five WhatsApps' groups and they are all communicating at the same time, and you are going to be a very generous person so you wanted to reply all. Well, you better stay at home. You don’t have to ask anyone to go out with you because you don’t exactly spend time with them pun. You will focusing on those messages and you are totally lost and out of radar. You are just wasting their valuable time.

So please, don’t be so selfish.

If you want to get attach with your phone like forever, then don’t bother asking people to go out, or starting a conversation. Because in the end, you are just leaving them like that.

And by the way, you are not the only person who are busy. It just a matter of prioritization.
...
“Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” 
― Laurence Sterne


Things That I Love Part 2
I always love to read, and Kak Su’s books are a part of my collections. I love the poetic words that she used to write. It is calming. And of course, it always comes together with pantun. So intriguing. 

The first surprise that I got was when I reached at TBS 2 years ago, when I saw Mahadewi book in front of me. Only I know how excited and speechless I was at that time.
And today, while scrolling Facebook, I saw something in her page. The appearance of her new book oh my!

Kelip – kelip ku sangka api. That was the title.    

You know what, I still remember her pantun on that part.

Kelip-kelip ku sangka api,
Kalau api mana sumbunya,
Hilang ghaib ku sangka mati,
Kalau mati mana kuburnya?

See? I remember all of them. 

They said that the book is already available in Jemari Seni store. Hmm but it’s quite far from my house. Will wait for it until it is available in Kino or Popular. Please, please, please make it fast.

Another things is, I cannot see the cute little things. I will be like, omggg why so cuteeeee. I always be like that whenever I went to Kaison, Muji or Miniso. *rolling eyes*

They always attract my interest especially those cups and mugs. My fiancé said that I was obsessed with cups because everytime when I ordered green tea, I will always get attached with the cups first. Then, comes the tea.

I got my first cute love pillow from Kaison too. 


Look at them. Oh, how cute.




This one, I found it in Kaison. I love Kaison. If you have the same interest with me, or would like to buy a gift, I would love to prefer Kaison for you guys. It’s totally affordable and yes, the level of cuteness is high (according to me).


I actually wanted to use this sampul for raya next year since I might not have enough sampul later on ;p. Cute, right? If only it comes with letter, I would probably buy it. I love to write letters by the way.

Well, I might write letters to myself later on. A letter to a strong young lady. Hmm sounds cool, isn’t it? Yes, keep on rambling ainyusra. *rolling eyes* again.

Everything that once was first, now has becomes the last.

#16daystogo
Dear Today
Saturday, 4th November 2017. 

I am finally at home, Alhamdulillah. I was going back last night and it was wonderful. That's why I write it in blog. 

Did I mention that I have no leave at all? Even my boss was shocked when he wanted to approve my leave for this Monday. And he even asked me where did all my leaves gone? Well, obviously because I'm going back every months and I took like a week for raya. 

He looked surprise. And luckily, he always understand that. Thank you for your understanding, my superior. 

Home is nice, as always. 

People seems to understand my condition and they are so supportive as always. They said that I already being strong for years and why trying to stay weak for now? True indeed. I am strong. Everyone knows that. And I will keep being strong as usual. Well, I hope so. 

Come on. I hate cliche moment. So I won't be apart of them. I mean, I will just live as usual, with my old routine which was, going to work for weekdays and stay at Kino for weekend. Nice, isn't it?

But sometimes, it's tiring to always told people that you are okay, you are fine. Because they will look at you with sympathy. It is more painful you know. When you are trying to be strong but somehow people keep reminding you about the things that you want to forget. 

Stop being this pathetic dear self. This is not you. Please, I hate being this kind of girl. *rolling eyes*

And I hope you know it too, k. Chill lah 😉

...

“There used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. We'd be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think 'it will be okay if it can just be like this forever' but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever.” 
― Nina LaCourHold Still

#18daystogo
i'm okay, don't worry
Disclaimer: I dedicate this post for a person, who is so worried about leaving me in KL 😉.

Living in the centre of KL is not other people choice. But I choose to stay here, in KL. Let’s forget the hustle bustle lifestyle. I face it every morning and that’s what makes me feel alive.

I know, people might said that I’m weird. Everybody wants to stay at their hometown, away from the traffic jam and have a nice environment. But I want to stay here. Because I already get used with the environment.

Morning is where people start their life, grab a cup of coffee and a newspaper while walking. I watch that situation everyday. Because I don’t grab a coffee, and I don’t take the newspaper. I observe people. No one will look at you. Everyone is busy with their phone or walking faster to reach their offices.

Then, is that what makes me happy?

No, of course not. I just get used with the situation every morning.

I remembered when I was still in diploma days, sometimes I stayed at home if I didn’t want to sleep at college. Then, every morning when I wanted to go to class, I have the opportunity to kiss my parents’ hand. And they will told me that their prayers are always with me.

But I don’t have the opportunity to do that now. I’m living alone (I mean, with my housemate). And will have moment to talk to them just every night.

Then, why I still want to stay?

Because I have Kino.

LOL. No lah. Because I have a nice house to stay even it was a small house but it is good for me. And my family can stay here when they come. The LRT station is nearby my house that I just need to walk to go there and I don’t need taxi or uber to fetch me. The LRT is just one way to my office, which I don’t have to change the platform. The food stalls and supermarkets are just nearby the LRT, that I can just buy anything before reach home. Plus, my house environment is safe and the people also nice.

It’s not easy to have all of that at other places, I think.

That’s why I love to stay where I am staying right now. And most important thing, I stay near to my uncle. And I can call him during emergency and he also comes and visit me everytime he wants.

I always homesick. But don’t worry, I can kill that feeling by cooking the dishes that Ma and Wan usually cook for me. And yes, I can have my family to come here once a while for our family vacation so that, it won’t always be Langkawi (that was their favorite place to go).

Well, no matter where you stay, make the place alive for you. I learn so many things here. And I gain a lot of valuable experience too. It’s not people who will always be with you. It’s Allah. So, no matter how far you’ll go, put Allah in your heart. Have faith in Him. Everything will be just fine soon. Everything happened because of a reason. It’s neither too late nor too fast. It just at the perfect timing 😊.

You just need to take time and ponder. Why the things that you think ‘unfair’ happens to you? Because in the end, you will realize that it is something good for you. It's just a matter of time. Fasabrun Jamil.
...

“I know you're feeling worried,
But I promise I'm okay.
You think I'm missing all the fun,
But I don't want to play.
And I'm not feeling lonely;
Yeah, I've got a friend with me.
I'm just keeping this corner company.”
― Margo T. Rose,
The Words    


#19daystogo
Warriors should suffer their pain.
So the fact that I'm me and no one else is one of my greatest assets. Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent.

- Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running
For the yesterdays and todays, and the tomorrows I can hardly wait for - Thank you.
How many years are needed to become ‘us’?

2 years.

Okay just kidding. Well, depends on how was your relationship status. Some may choose to get to know for a few months and get married while some might take like few years to move on to another stage.

But no matter how long it will take, I pray so that we manage to love each other unconditionally and  the most important is, to TRUST each other.

Well well. My friend told me that Wondermama Avenue K has been closed. I am not that sure since I didn’t passed by it like few months already. But then, since I miss their foods, I went to Wondermama at Bangsar.

The decoration was still simple yet nice, especially on the lighting part because my photos look quite good 😉.



And while waiting for the foods, I took few photos before I got a card and at that time I was like whaaaaaaat? I never expect people to do surprise for me because it's obvious. I mean, I already know that before they surprise me. In other words, I always know. Yeah. Like that. But this time, I must say that it was a success. 

I totally have  no idea about this and I was absolutely speechless 😂.


I love this because it has sentimental value. I got flowers, the most pretty baby breath together with cute little soap, and a card. And they are just perfect. 

“What was that thing that could make two people promise one another to spend every day of the rest of their lives together? Ah,I found it. It was a thing called love. A small simple word.” 
― Cecelia AhernThanks for the Memories
This is a story, about prayer.
When I was in standard 3, there was an ustazah told us to pray for our friends too. She said, the more you pray for others, the more you get. I once thought it was weird. If I was praying for other people, then what if other people got what I wanted while I didn’t?

But yeah, it was ustazah who said that and for me ustazah was someone who kindness cannot be denied, then I’ll just listened.

So, that time we already finished our final examination and yes, most of us got 5A’s. The only thing that can differentiate us was our marks. So, if you got 98%, then you will know you won’t get 1st place because everyone got 100% for every papers.

I tend to pray for my friends so that the 1st and 5th place were belongs to us even I was quite reluctant to do so by the way because yeah, the what-if reason. What if my friends got that and I didn’t? OMG I was so afraid to think about it.

And the day that all of us waiting for, came. We sat silently in class, waiting for the teacher to tell us our numbers. And yes, all of my friends secured the 1st place until 4th. And I thought maybe I was the fifth. Because I pray for them and of course I will get it too right? Ustazah said so. But, the 5th was not belongs to me. It was for someone else. And I was at 6th.

My heart broke into pieces. A very tiny pieces. I felt like crying. Why me? I pray for them and I didn’t get anything? Oh my this was so sad. So, when abah fetched me from school that day, he did asked me in the car. What number did I get? I told him six. And he was like, why so many? I said, it was because I pray so that all of my friends got the numbers between 1 to 5 but who knows, I got six. "Ain rasa doa Ain paling makbul kot". That was what I told him.  

Oh yes, I was serious when I said that. I didn’t jokes. But I saw abah’s reaction that time. He was smiling but at the same time he tried to be serious. So, when I was reached home, I went straight to my room and cried. Then, it was Zohor already. And now, I pray so hard. I asked Allah why He granted the prayer to all my friends but not me? I was happy for them that they can be on the stage and I wanted it too.

But I know, it’s too late already. I didn’t get any places and I’m not going to be there together with my friends. So, I went to school that day just to collect my textbooks until one of my classmates congratulate me. I don’t know what was it for but yeah, I just smile.

And when it came to my turn to collect textbooks, my teacher was like, “Haa ainyusra. Later follow me to office, you forgot your letter yesterday.”

“What letter?” I asked her.

“To invite your parents come during the prize giving ceremony. Kan you win the highest mark for BM and Anugerah Nilam.”

Oh.Em.Gee.

Oh that time we don’t have omg. We have ‘ow-oh?’

You know how I felt that time? I just wanted to fly over and keep flying and went home. I didn’t get the numbers, but Allah gave me something else. I know, I was having too much drama.

So, I can’t wait to go back. I wanted to tell abah and ma. And when the bell was ringing, I running to abah. I know where his port was. Under the shady tree. But that day I saw him talking to his friend and I slow down my pace and just walking. Abah’s friend asked me how many A’s I got. And I showed him five fingers. And then he asked again what number I got. I add another finger and it was six. Well, I don’t care anymore about my number.

Suddenly, he opened his wallet and gave me RM 20. Oh.Em.Gee. I mean, Ow-oh. Abah was smiling looking at me. Yela, I never saw that much money before this except during raya. I was looking back at abah, reluctant to take it. But then I took it straightaway when he said I can buy books with that money. Hello, who were going to ignore it for books right?

And when we were in the car, abah asked me a question. So, how many things you get today? I told him three. I got the highest mark for BM among standard 3 students. I got Anugerah Nilam. And I got RM 20 to buy books.

He asked me why I got them all. I said, don’t know.

It’s because you pray for others, that Allah granted you for more. Well, I was so happy at that time and starting that day, I know, the more I pray for others, the more Allah grant my prayers. It may not happen now. But you will see them later. The more you give, the more you get. What you give, you’ll get back. Ok that was out of topic.


So, never underestimate the power of prayer and giving.

p/s: Ustazah was my idol during my school time because all of them wearing baju kurung or jubbah and the long hijab and of course, without makeup. I found they are beautiful in their own way.

p/p/s: My ambition is to become an ustazah too.

p/p/p/s: But apparently, I didn’t achieve that ambition.

*sigh*